So, yesterday, I stood 45 minutes in the rain with some young scamps who were smoking weed to catch Star Wars. I owed my endurance to the cherished hope that George Lucas (or G-Lu as I call him) would redeem his first two theme-park toddler rides with a bloodbath of violence and destruction. This film only satisfied half of my bloodlust.
Returning as both director and scriptwriter is George Lucas, and every bit of dialogue sounds like the writing of herpes infested monkeys smoking crack and watching Daytime Emmie acceptance speeches. There's a rumor going around that Tom Stoppard was brought in to do some uncredited writing. While I do have a sheaf of witty lines to use, I'll let Tommy Boy live with the secret of shame that only he knows.
Natalie Portman, a rich and spoiled suburbanite, reprises her stretch of a role as Queen Amidalah. Hayden "I Couldn't Tell You About Acting If It Took A Steaming Shit On My Face" Christensen is back as the troubled Annakin Skywalker. Samuel L. Jackson and Ewan MacGregor intone their foul lines with such mechanical reverence, you could smell Jesus' blood on the teleprompter. The only redeeming actor is the dude who plays the Emperor, he's so evil and evilish it just makes my skin crawl with lollipops.
The movie starts off with lots of violence, and G-Lu- to his credit, keeps the drama to-the-point with lots of lightsaber hacking and space battles. The special effects resound with color and life and G-Lu even throws some new tricks in (check out that Lava Scene at the end of the flick).
Plot spoilers: The basic plot- Jedis are not supposed to have kids, but since Annakin and Queenie are secretly married and exchange bodily fluids, Mommy has some new mistakes!.Fortunately for the almost-incestuous couple in Queenie's womb, Obi-Wan hasn't taught Annakin the abortion mind trick he learned from Darth Pimpious on Planet Atlantic City. Annakin has dreams about Queenie dying, and Palpatine uses that to lure Annakin over to the Dark Side. I won't bother to discuss further details- except for the political ones.
There's lots of stupid dialogue about "Democracy" with Padme intoning, as the Senate applauds Chancellor Palpatine's ascension to Emperor, something about "Democracy ending with cheers" or some crap. Really, QUEEN Amidilah ? I supposed you'll have to dole out more funding to Jar-Jar Binks' community initiatives if you expect to win the next election.
This is confusing.......I've never seen any popular elections taking place in any of the video games or Books or Fan Fiction or Comics or Action Figures in the Star Wars Universe? And why is she bitching like a robot about a DEMOCRACY failing, when the REPUBLIC has turned into an EMPIRE.
This is what will happen to you
if Bush gets his hands on Social Security
A.O. Scott from the New York Times , however, explains what's really going on:
"This is how liberty dies - to thunderous applause," Padmé observes as senators, their fears and dreams of glory deftly manipulated by Palpatine, vote to give him sweeping new powers. "Revenge of the Sith" is about how a republic dismantles its own democratic principles, about how politics becomes militarized, about how a Manichaean ideology undermines the rational exercise of power. Mr. Lucas is clearly jabbing his light saber in the direction of some real-world political leaders. At one point, Darth Vader, already deep in the thrall of the dark side and echoing the words of George W. Bush, hisses at Obi-Wan, "If you're not with me, you're my enemy." Obi-Wan's response is likely to surface as a bumper sticker during the next election campaign: "Only a Sith thinks in absolutes." You may applaud this editorializing, or you may find it overwrought, but give Mr. Lucas his due. For decades he has been blamed (unjustly) for helping to lead American movies away from their early-70's engagement with political matters, and he deserves credit for trying to bring them back.
Let's all sit down with A.O Scott while he lets a dyslexic furby in a potato sack lecture us with his magic glowstick on why the war in Iraq was wrong. The "Manichean Ideology" belongs just as much to the Jedi as to Palpatine. Supposing someone, Dan Rather for instance, had a document that proved you were a Sith Lord- only that document was forged.
Give Mr. Lucas and Mr. AsshOle Scott from the New York Times- and anyone else who tries to turn some CGI space battles into a political clusterfuck their due: They have all the political consciousness and brilliance of Jar-Jar Binks.
Next up, Lamb Chop and Charlie Horse talk about geopolitics and what it's like to have Shari Lewis' hand up your ass.